Another day in a small town

Today as just another day I guess.  I had lunch with a new friend.  She is 70 years old and full of so much energy in her own way.  She is extremely busy in this small town, trying to make changes, she has made changes in the 36 years she has been here.  I am glad to have her in my life for how ever long she is supposed to be here.  My neighbor got me a staircase ladder for my pool today, Someone down the road was getting rid of it, so he brought it to me, I have cleaned it up and my daughter and I put it together and in the pool.  Now big or small, you can get in and out of my pool easily.  I am going to the concert in the park tonight, it is free entertainment for me and it gets me out and around others for a while anyway.  Then I come back and cocoon myself in to my house so no one can bother me.  I smoke my  medical marijuana and do what I feel like doing.  Enjoying not having to do something for someone else I suppose but at the same time missing the energy of a big family around me all the time.  It is a hard thing to get used to.  Not having so many around me all the time.  I grew up the youngest of five.  We had a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles and I had all the grandparents any kid could need. 🙂

I got married and had a baby when I was 16 years old.  Before I was 22 years old, I had 3 children and a husband who was never around, he was always working.  My husband and I divorced 6 years later, our youngest was six months old.  I met another man right away, we got together, we got married.  He was the eldest of 6 kids. Again, I am surrounded by people, always surrounded by people.  Then my son moved to his father’s house, I got divorced for the second time.  My eldest child, a girl, moved out at 17.  I was left with my youngest and she was mad at all of us.  So we both went into a depression I guess.  then the next man, he became my husband.  He was not so much into family, at least not his.  Not really anyone’s family except me, him and our kids, his and mine from our perspective marriages.  Then 7 years later, we divorce.  Now it is me and my youngest again and she is an adult.
We have been on our own for six years now and we have had some experiences together that no one can ever take away or understand how we got to where we are now.  But together we have healed and grown as people and as mother and daughter.  But still, the quiet is sometimes to quiet, the silence is too silent and sometimes being alone is too lonely now.  I trust in God to get me through all of this, as he has gotten me through so much in the past, why wouldn’t he get me through everything in the  here and now and the future.  I trust He will.  Do you?



my life, starting from 6/27/2005

ok, here we go, this is going to take some time, a few posts before the story is done.  So it goes back before the date above, but I have to start at the beginning, maybe once I get it out I can get over it.  Here goes!!!

I became ill in October 2003, I suffered an injury that couldn’t seem to be found, I just felt it.  My arm was out of its socket and nothing showed it, but it was just enough to be a very big problem.  My body fell apart over the next year and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Myofacial Pain Syndrome.  I was bed ridden for about 3 years total because of this illness.  But back to the beginning.  I had to stop working on Nov 30, 2004. Things were ok between us, but not great, he lost his job and the stress got worse and worse between us and the fighting began really badly.  He would just yell at me for nothing and I would cry and cry because I couldn’t deal with my pain and the worry about our home and all of the things that go with being a responsible adult.  So one day, on 6/27/2004, after I got my last disability check from my job and paid all of our bills and the next day he started a fight with me, telling me I wanted a divorce.  Well finally a huge fight broke out and my daughter called the cops to protect me.  (thank you).  So the cops came and asked what was going on, I told them, they asked him to go away and cool off for awhile, well he took my car knowing at the time I couldn’t work a standard transmission because I didn’t have the use of my right arm at the time.  So he never came back, I tried to talk to him, I wanted my marriage to work out. I wanted my marriage to work out, he was too angry and wouldn’t talkt o me..

I remember calling him one day, because I had no money and no food and he laughed at me and made fun of me and obviously didn’t help me and my daughter at all.  He had money and food, but I didn’t because I did the right thing with my last check, thinking I had my husband to help out the rest of the month.  So needless to say, a lot of angry words passed between us and there was no going back after that, because of the money problems and the anger I sold everything in my home that I could.  Even the stuff he thought he was getting.  No one makes fun of me and gets away with it when it is done in a mean way anyway.  My daughter, dog and myself left mid august to move in with my parents in Surprise Arizona.  what a change that was, being 42 and living with my parents again, under their rules, which is the right thing, it is just hard at 42, I had been on my own since 16.  So now I am in Arizona and don’t know what the hell I am doing, I am so depressed I don’t want to live anymore at this time in my life.  I would think about it all the time, but couldn’t leave my daughter because I am all she has and I know it.

So my new life started, whether I wanted a new life or not, it was happening.  I will say more later about my new life, I will continue tomorrow with the next step of my new life.

A Married Man

Well I am not sure how to start this, but I need to writet this out for myself to be able to read over and over when I need to remind myself.

I met him on August 28, 2010.  He swept me off my feet, I ask him are you married, girlfriend, recent separation and I got gtold I am a bachelor and I am single.  Legally Separated.  Ok, so I go out with this man, only for two weeks later, his wife to tell she is not filing papers, so his ring went back on and we became a secret,.  I I know, I know, it was wrong because he made it an affair.  But we tried to stop seeing each other and we always end up with each other again and again.  After she moved back in, I stopped seeing him and that lasted for a little while, but then we had to see each other again.  It doesn’t help they aren’t really trying to make a marriage work, I think she found out about me and doesn’t want him happy.  So they will live miserable separate lives just to spite each other.  But again I was seeing him off and on.  but I am just a lay for him and I had to stop the games.  whether he cares for me or not is not the point, it is the games, I am number 2 and I have never been number 2 and  don’t intend to be it now.  So I had to tell him I would tell his wife if he didn’t leave me alone.  Well I still have to see him at church, but I don’t have to acknowledge him ever again.  I know this is going to drive him crazy, because although he won’t say he loves me, he sure can’t let me go.  but I must make this man leave me alone because this is not healthy at all.  So I ask God to give me strength because I have such a connection to this man I have a hard time saying no, but I must say no, over and over again.  I must move forward and forget him.



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